The Pain is Exquisite, part 2

All Kinds of Monsters

Part Two

The Second Monster: Friends

You got to have friends, right? Or so the song says. When working on your mental health, it’s often suggested being social and getting out of the house are things that are important to maintain balance in your life, to brighten your days, to fight depression. But what if you’ve never been good at this?

I thought I was. I always had playmates in school. Of course, I went to a small private school for most of my life. I was stuck with the same 20 kids in my class from 1st-10th grade. When you are surrounded by the same people year after year, these folks become your friends out of familiarity and exposure. These are the children you play with. You get invited to all the birthdays parties. In fact, one year we moved, and I didn’t get an invitation to one party, lost in the mail, I supposed. This girl cornered me in the bathroom, wanting to know why I didn’t come to her party. Apparently, I was in trouble. Then, I got in more trouble. When we went back to the classroom, this girl tattled on me. We weren’t supposed to stand on the door edges of the stalls which I had done. I was in second grade. This resulted in my first and only paddling in elementary school. You see, I lived in the days when the teachers all hung boards next to their classroom doors. I’ll never forget this even though it happened almost 50 years ago. This is when I first learned that you couldn’t trust your friends all the time.

But I yearned for friends. Raised by a narcissistic mother, I learned that relationships came with conditions, and I was always seeking approval. I’m not saying that I haven’t had good friends over the years; but I sought out so many. And I over-shared. I would just talk and talk, telling everyone my life story and everything about me. I had no filter. I was desperate. Doing anything to make and keep friends. Unfortunately, since my biological father was out of the picture, this desperation transferred over to my dating life as well. I did not date well. I went in headfirst and fast. But that’s fodder for another story.

As I grew older, friendships became competitive. For academics, for extracurriculars, for boyfriends. I learned this from my mother too. I was lost, grappling, trying to learn the rules. How to act, to fit in, assimilate. The odd duck, it was challenging. I never felt like I was enough, so I’d take anything. When kids were mean to me, I thought I deserved it. I gave away my power. Because love came with strings, or so I’d been taught. I walked a tight rope, trying to keep up the façade of who I thought I was supposed to be.

Having daughters of my own has changed me. I watch. I listen. Their friendships are different than the ones I had. And I hope, I try so hard, not to be the mother I had. I want to be their soft space to fall, but to also foster strength and independence. I learn from them. Still, I struggle. Living in my head I over analyze everything. I think I’m getting better, though.

My close friendships today are few and that’s ok. I don’t have to share everything about my life in person or on social media. Some of my thoughts are relegated to a journal. Discernment. What to share and what not to share. Trust. Who I can trust. And the strings. I’m uncovering the stuff to do with that all the time. When I am kind, it doesn’t have to be in order to get the “likes.” And when someone is kind to me, I don’t owe them something. Family of origin stuff, there’s a crap ton to unlearn.

I am better at seeing. I watch. I listen. If someone is mean to you, you don’t have to take it. And with women, this often comes in a different package. The ugliness is wrapped in smiles and sweetness, sarcasm, and passive aggressive bullshit. And if someone is treating you like that, no, they are not your friend. Some friendships from the past fade away with time. Unfortunately, social media is hurting not helping this. You don’t have to maintain relationships with everyone you’ve ever met! Read that again. Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Truth, genuine love should feel familiar as opposed to feeling hurt or less than being the norm. You don’t have to live with the pain.