Open, Shut Them

I’m baaack! After a summer hiatus from this blog space, I have returned.

One of my favorite fairy tales is Sleeping Beauty. (The traditional and the Anne Rice version.) Not the princess-gets-her-prince thing-and-they-live-happily-ever after trope so much. I like the idea of the last fairy bestowing her gift at the birthday celebration. She couldn’t undo what the evil fairy had done, but she could soften it. Sleep versus death. That’s the part I’m going to talk about. The idea of waking up to life.

I feel like that fairy in real life. I can’t erase the terrible things that happen in this world. I can’t protect my children and my husband from life’s stresses and heartaches; but I can try to make it better, even if it’s just holding space for them. Someone once told me that I was here to make the world a cuter place. In my youth I resented that, thought it was a knock to my depth, my intelligence, my brooding nature.  Now, I’ll take it.

Accepting that remark definitely does not mean I’m flippant or vapid. On the contrary. If anything, I over think and worry. I get as they say, head up about things. I feel things deeply. Social media is brutal for me because I’m very empathetic. Which is why I need regular breaks from that world. I do not need or want to see everyone’s opinion on anything and everything. Before social media/networking, some old friendships just faded away. Those friendships served their purpose for that time and place and are only revisited at the occasional school reunion. Hate reunions. Some people come into our lives for a moment, for that moment.

What does this have to do with horror or writing horror? Well, I write horror. And as far as what I consume, I watch horror. I read horror. Occasionally, I will watch or read something off brand as a palate cleanser; but my heart belongs to horror. In actuality, I have more trouble with drama and real-life tragedies. It’s that empathetic thing. I feel it too deeply. I put off watching Marriage Story for years because I knew what it would do to me. Eventually I gave in because I like Adam Driver and he was fantastic in it. And it depressed me for three weeks.

Some may say what I write isn’t horror. There are so many subcategories of horror. For instance, if I’m reading something that is considered erotic or totally gory, which are their own categories, I may skim over the more lurid and/or gruesome passages. I’m no prude. I do like a good sex scene and some bloodshed, eyeballs dangling from their sockets and the like; but if you give that to me every other page, it becomes less shocking. I like to be caught off guard. I like a good story. That’s just me.

We age. We change. Now, Aurora slept for a hundred years and was awakened by a true love’s kiss. She hadn’t aged. She remained 16, if I remember correctly. Personally, I don’t want to be 16 again. I don’t want to be 30 again. I’ve aged. I’ve changed. I am not the same person I was. And that’s a good thing. I embrace my age. With aging comes maturity. With maturity, I don’t feel the need to foist my every thought or viewpoint on the world at large. I know when to talk. And I know when to be quiet.

Maybe I am here to make the world a cuter place. I want to be a good fairy, soften the ugliness of life. I try desperately to stay positive. My nature and my upbringing—I fight it. Drawn to the darkness, it’s a struggle to keep myself in the light. But I try every day. Some days the light wins. Some days the dark wins. Somedays I have to write about a gal slicing open a fella to obtain a blood offering for a sacrifice. That’s just me.

We can close our eyes, squeezing them shut when we know a jump scare is coming. Opening them wide, we can see the world, the good and the bad. Looking past the screens on our phones and computers, we have a choice. Engage with the people around you and not always the ones in the ethers. Which is which? The perceived “life” online, or the life you are living? In which one are you going through the motions?

Are you awake or asleep?

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*No book rec or guilty pleasure this go-around. Trying to reframe the words “guilty pleasure.”